Irish Examiner 06/03/2023 - House Pride
The important thing is not to be jealous. But it’s hard. I’m naturally an insecure, weak and flawed person so watching any programme about people getting the house of their dreams is tinged with the green-eyed monster. Although it’s not quite green-eyed. In this light it’s probably more ‘jade’ or even ‘teal’.
Grand Designs was the grand-uncle of them all. But there was the tension there. You know things weren’t going to go smoothly. Grand Designs was like an episode of Murder She Wrote. An all-seeing host watching as people laid bare all their very human traits. “But the Stewarts have chosen to project manage this themselves.” Said Kevin McCloud ruefully. “NOOOO” we all shouted. “Don’t project manage it yourselves.” And the proof was in the pudding the project was later to become. Kevin saying “....but nearly four months after the Stewarts were due to move into their dream eco-home, the site is waterlogged and they are still living in a wheelie-bin...” I swear that Grand Designs convinced a generation not to trust their spouse not to project manage anything. Even now we feel tempted every so often to get an expert in. And all we’re doing is tiding under the stairs.
Home of the year is peak jealousy. I have to repeat a mantra to myself. “These are nice people. They worked hard for this. They deserve it.” Even so, I’m still googling them to see if they have ‘old money’. Or I’m glaring over at the children who are busy flooding the bathroom for their ‘Dollies Waterpark and Spa Zone’ and thinking. “I COULD HAVE AN ATRIUM IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU”. Hugh Wallace says that the most important to get a sense of the personality of the homeowner” I disagree. I think my personality should be hidden in the attic. Sara says the “extension provides wow and drama.” I just want a shed. I wonder what they would say walking into our house: “You can see with the way the sudocrem is stored on top of the Nutribullet that they have really devil-may-care attitude to category. They are not shackled by conventional ideas of what should go where.”
I think my favourite house show is Cheap Irish Houses, soon to also be cheap European Houses. It is basically that Charity Shop bargain feeling but house-sized. The money’s not big, big. Some of those prices are at 1998 or ‘Currently Owned By The Criminal Assets Bureau’ levels. So it’s one of those day dreams about something possible. The place is usually up in a hape. Also they don’t have to renovate on the show so I don’t have to worry they’re going to find more damp. It’s sort of like a live-action Take 5 thing in the Irish Times where you’d look up what you paid for your house and find out what’s on offer around Europe and you could get an entire castle in Sicily.
If you are a buyer on Cheap European or Cheap Irish Houses and you’re asked to guess the price of the place Maggie has found you, the Charity Shop Principle applies. Never. Guess . Low. It has been proven scientifically that all concerned get a rush of endorphins on being told of a bargain. Don’t pre-empt it. The massive Tuscan villa on 4 acres? Your guess should be four million. Then bask in the good feelings on finding out it is only four shillings and three farthings.
But above all, the fantasy about these TV houses is the sheer space. Some of these places have more square footage between the sink and the toilet than we have in our entire ‘master’ bedroom. Imagine what you could do with that space.
Let the children make a water park for dollies, of course. I’ll be in the shed.