Irish Examiner 13/03/2023 - From PA to P.A
You can say you won’t be like all the others, but you’re probably wrong. Parenthood is just a long sequence of realising that most things you say about parenthood in advance are total horse manure.
The food you thought they’d eat… ha! The balanced diet of colourful natural ingredients. The gods laughed. You wake up one day and you’re bribing them with sweets in the hope of getting them to eat beige-breadcrumbed meat-slurry.
Then there are the activities. I swore I wouldn’t be one of those parents. Non-stop, going to and from THINGS. A slogger, a traipser, a beck-and-caller, a PA to tiny CEOs, a manager of children’s diaries. They’ll amuse themselves I thought. I didn’t quite know what I thought they’d be doing. Talking to elves. Whittling. Imagining. Re-imagining. Writing little stories. Making podcasts?
But I won’t be micromanaging it, I said. Look at those bored parents. Feigning interest in their children’s achievements. Shackled to the timetable. It was easier for me to imagine the alternative. I lived it. I was a child on a small farm where most of the scarce money was tied up in 10-10-20 and cows so activities meant driving.
My parents' pre-Greta aversion to burning carbon-heavy fossil fuels (under the mantra of wasting petrol) meant that no, I was not going to be enrolled in Dripsey’s extensive network of ballet classes or hurdy-gurdy lessons.My activities were boredom and guilt, and it didn’t do me a bit of harm. Now it's nine o’clock, so shaddup and pass me that breakfast whiskey.
But the thing about children is, you sort of want to do nice things for them. Despite yourself. And you need to keep them occupied. And slowly as the two have become hardier, the activities have crept in.
And it’s… actually okay. So far, the activities are near and manageable and fairly cheap. Thankfully neither of them has shown any interest in the bassoon/harp/cello/kitesurfing.
As soon as you enter the phase of a child starts ‘taking an interest’ in a thing, there is a tiny little nagging gene switched on somewhere in your brain. The worry that by not being willing to go the extra mile now I’m stymieing the potential they could have had.
Look at Tiger Woods. His father devoted himself to making Tiger a star. Obviously, it won’t be golf, but what is the thing that they could change the world with if only they had the SLIGHTEST bit of encouragement from Captain Average over here? Now Tiger Woods had his troubles and went on to cheat on his wife etc. But still. I bet his father doesn’t have to do any more gigs if he doesn’t want to.
As it stands, my progeny don’t look prodigy-y. And that might be for the best. There are very few billionaires I’d want to be the parent of. They wouldn’t take a bit of notice of you.
So as of now, I’ll probably just rely on the PRSI stamps for the pension and enjoy the children’s activities for what they are. And some activities are essential. Taking them swimming is as important as breakfast. And most recently the eldest did some doggy paddling in the deep end for the first time and the woman teaching her gave her a sort of playful head ruffle of congratulations. It’s nice. To see someone else in the ‘village’ encourage your child. Like watching another lion playfully biff your cub. And that’s an underrated part of activities. Children get to meet probably better adults than I am.
I should probably do an activity to improve myself.